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Married for 100 Years?
ACTION TO TAKE Sometime in the next week, play a game with your spouse (or significant other) and see how well you know each other, e.g., favorite book, movie, song, flower. Make a list of your most vivid memories and note how many of them are positive and how many are negative. Note the interactions you have had in the past few days. How many of them are positive vs. negative interactions? |
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WHY?
Someday the cover of Time magazine will have a picture of the first couple to be married 100 years. Unfortunately, most of us don't place a high enough priority on our marriages and martial skills to make a marriage last even half that long. While much of the literature on marriage is just opinion, there is one researcher whose work is outstanding - John Gottman.
Over a couple of decades, Gottman has carefully observed, videotaped, and studied social and physiological responses (e.g. heart rate) of more than 2,000 of couples. His research has found several principles that distinguish marriages that work.
One principle is that successful couples know a lot about each other. Another principle is that they have mostly fond memories about their relationship. A third is their interactions have at least five times as many positive interactions as negative interactions.
Each of these is in your control. All you have to do to learn more about your spouse is ask. You can choose to recall fond memories and let negative ones wither or see the humor in them. You can make an effort to have more positive interactions and become aware of when you are starting a negative interaction. Gottman's books can be very helpful and would be good to read and discuss with your spouse. His books include: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
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Michael Brickey, Ph.D. is a life coach and a Board Certified psychologist and serves on the medical staff of several hospitals. He is the author of Defy Aging: Develop the Mental and Emotional Vitality to Live Longer, Healthier, and Happier Than You Ever Imagined. Critically acclaimed by Dr. Bernie Siegel, Betty Friedan, Dr. Ronald Klatz, and four past presidents of the American Psychological Association, it is available at many bookstores and through his web site www.DrBrickey.com. He coaches people and organizations all over the country by phone as part of his mission to help people do things they didn't think they could do. He also speaks on Defying Aging. Please E-mail Dr. Brickey at BeautyWalk@DrBrickey.com.
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