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Married
for 100 Years?
ACTION
TO TAKE
Sometime
in the next week, play a game with your spouse (or significant
other) and see how well you know each other, e.g., favorite
book, movie, song, flower. Make a list of your most vivid
memories and note how many of them are positive and how
many are negative. Note the interactions you have had in
the past few days. How many of them are positive vs. negative
interactions?
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Michael Brickey, Ph.D.
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WHY?
Someday
the cover of Time magazine will have a picture of the first couple
to be married 100 years. Unfortunately, most of us don't place
a high enough priority on our marriages and martial skills to
make a marriage last even half that long. While much of the literature
on marriage is just opinion, there is one researcher whose work
is outstanding - John Gottman.
Over a couple of decades, Gottman has carefully observed, videotaped,
and studied social and physiological responses (e.g. heart rate)
of more than 2,000 of couples. His research has found several
principles that distinguish marriages that work.
One principle is that successful couples know a lot about each
other. Another principle is that they have mostly fond memories
about their relationship. A third is their interactions have at
least five times as many positive interactions as negative interactions.
Each of these is in your control. All you have to do to learn
more about your spouse is ask. You can choose to recall fond memories
and let negative ones wither or see the humor in them. You can
make an effort to have more positive interactions and become aware
of when you are starting a negative interaction. Gottman's books
can be very helpful and would be good to read and discuss with
your spouse. His books include: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
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Defy
Aging Quote:
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward
-Benjamin Franklin
Marriages may be made in heaven, but a lot of the details
have to be worked out on earth.
-(source unknown)
A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when
a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in
touch in the little ways
-John Gottman
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Discuss
this topic with others right now at the
Beauty Tips Discussion Board!
Michael
Brickey, Ph.D. is a life coach and a Board Certified psychologist
and serves on the medical staff of several hospitals. He is the
author of Defy Aging: Develop the Mental and Emotional Vitality
to Live Longer, Healthier, and Happier Than You Ever Imagined.
Critically acclaimed by Dr. Bernie Siegel, Betty Friedan, Dr.
Ronald Klatz, and four past presidents of the American Psychological
Association, it is available at many bookstores and through his
web site www.DrBrickey.com.
He coaches people and organizations all over the country by phone
as part of his mission to help people do things they didn't think
they could do. He also speaks on Defying Aging. Please E-mail
Dr. Brickey at BeautyWalk@DrBrickey.com.
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