WHAT FRED SANFORD CAN TEACH US ABOUT DEATH - Defy Aging by Michael Brickey, Ph.D. Board Certified Psychologist

ACTION TO TAKE

Make sure you have a perspective and coping strategy for dealing positively with the deaths of people you love.

Michael Brickey, Ph.D.

Sooner or later, people you love will die. When this happens, people often get stuck. For example, they may picture in their mind's eye, mom in the hospital, all 80 pounds of her with tubes everywhere. Or they see everyone gathered around the dinner table at Christmas and there is the empty chair where momma is supposed to be. Those images are not about mom's fine qualities, love, and parenting and don't do her or you justice.

There are many ways to effectively deal with death. My favorite role model is Fred Sanford from the TV program Sanford and Son. Remember what Fred would do when he was having a difficult time? He would hold his hand on his chest, raise his other arm, look up and say, "I'm coming Elizabeth. This is the big one" (a heart attack). He then talked to Elizabeth like she was right there-a living presence in his life. He shared his problems and passions. He probably got along better with her after she died as he was cantankerous.

What a wonderful way to deal with death! And Fred was a pretty simple guy. If he can do it any of us can make loved ones who have died a living presence in our lives.

Fred's approach isn't the only approach. Many people believe that the loved one is in a better place and are happy for him or her. Others feel the person's spirit was on loan from God and feel blessed for the loan-or the lessons God was trying to teach them. Some see the great mandala of life and feel still connected after death. For some it is giving meaning to the death, e.g., carrying on what the person stood for, e.g., Candy Lightner found MADD when her 13 year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. There are many approaches that can work. You need to make sure you have one that works for you. With it you will be ready to handle the deaths of people you love.

Defy Aging Quote:

It is true that grief is a teacher. For a while it may be our master and a hard one as we learn each lesson. Grief teaches us to find options and to reach within to depths we probably did not want to explore. Grief teaches us compassion so that we may become the guide for others who will follow, for others who need our help to make choices in life, to accept challenge and change as part of living.
--Dr. Sandra Graves

Defy Aging Humor:

It is important to go to other people's funerals because if you don't go to theirs, they won't go to yours.
--Yogi Berra

Michael Brickey, Ph.D. is a life coach and a Board Certified psychologist and serves on the medical staff of several hospitals. He is the author of Defy Aging: Develop the Mental and Emotional Vitality to Live Longer, Healthier, and Happier Than You Ever Imagined. Critically acclaimed by Dr. Bernie Siegel, Betty Friedan, Dr. Ronald Klatz, and four past presidents of the American Psychological Association, it is available at many bookstores and through his web site www.DrBrickey.com. He coaches people and organizations all over the country by phone as part of his mission to help people do things they didn't think they could do. He also speaks on Defying Aging. Please E-mail Dr. Brickey at BeautyWalk@DrBrickey.com.