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You're criticized every day. Don't believe me? When did you last ask your family if they liked what you cooked for dinner? If your boss approved of the report you prepared? Or if your friend thought you looked good in those new jeans?
As
soon as you request other people's opinions, you're
asking to be evaluated, which is essentially asking
to be criticized. But if you view criticism positively,
whether you're dishing it out or receiving it, you can
use it to help you become a better person.
Why criticism isn't bad
Criticism comes from the Greek word kritikos which means to judge or discern for the sake of improvement. So it's really a positive thing. "Criticism is information that will help you grow," says Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D., psychologist and author of The Power of Positive Criticism (Amacom, 2000).
Unfortunately, most of us view criticism as an unnecessary evil. It's like a knife being hurled at us, and we either duck or throw it back. We become defensive when we're criticized, and we wind up in word wars that only make us feel more hurt and angry.
But if we recognize that criticism is a tool that can help us grow, we can analyze what's being said to us and respond with our intellect rather than our emotions. By doing so, we'll have a better idea of who we are. "Criticism helps us see ourselves more realistically," says Shirley Garrett, Ed.D., a professional speaker, writer, and facilitator in Georgia.
Ditching your emotions and accepting criticism
As tempting as it is to snap back when you hear criticism, don't. Instead, follow these steps.
1. |
Take a deep breath. Give your body time to slow down so that you can react intellectually rather than emotionally. Count to 10 if you must. |
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2. |
Pay attention to your thoughts. When your husband accuses you of not exercising enough, are you mentally calling yourself a fat, lazy slob? Rather than degrading yourself, support yourself. Remember that when someone offers criticism, they're really giving you an opportunity to learn and grow. |
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3. |
Abide by the "green hair" principle, Garrett says. If someone told you that your hair were green, you'd laugh. View the criticism similarly. Evaluate the truth to it. If there's none, then laugh. But if the person is speaking some truth, absorb it. |
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4. |
Ask for more information, says Edie Raether, a change strategist and president of PerformancePLUS, a speaking, coaching and consulting firm in North Carolina. After all, to learn from the experience, you must understand what's being asked of you. If, for example, a friend calls you insensitive, ask for examples. Tell her you've always thought of yourself as a sensitive person which is why you need to be shown when you weren't sensitive. |
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Evaluate the spirit of the criticism. Is your criticizer just dumping on you out of anger, what Raether calls the seagull syndrome? If so, it may be wise to disregard the attack. But if the criticism is caring, then embrace it. |
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6. |
Take the power out of the criticism. Garrett advises following a principle of aikido, a Chinese martial arts. "Turn the negative energy that's coming toward you around, and use it so that it doesn't attack you but empowers you," she says. For instance, if your husband really does berate you for not exercising, thank him for reminding you. Then tell him that you've been working on making exercise a bigger part of your life. |
Dishing out positive criticism
Like it or not, there are also plenty of occasions when you must dole out criticism. Maybe you have to evaluate a colleague at work or correct your children's behavior. Doing it tactfully and putting a positive spin on what you say can make a difference in how people respond to you.
Before you make your comments, Garrett says, ask yourself two questions. What do you want to happen as a result of the criticism? Is it your right or responsibility to criticize?
Then do these things:
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Get permission to share your comments. Tell the person that you have a different perspective on the situation and would like to share your thoughts. |
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If you're worried they might take your comments the wrong way, mention this concern. |
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Make three supportive statements before you criticize, Raether says. Cushion your comments with three positive statements, but don't sugarcoat the issue. |
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Be caring but honest. |
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Criticize the behavior or event but not the person. Don't call someone an idiot because she forgot to do something. Instead, direct your comments to the forgotten task. |
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Emphasize the we. Rather than pitting one against another, put the we into the situation. Ask how the problem can be solved by working together. |
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Choose your words wisely. Your assistant might be pig-headed, but calling her stubborn is a much better word choice. |
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Offer improvement-oriented strategies. Criticism is about helping a person change. Rather than telling someone what she did wrong, tell her how to do it better, Weisinger says. Suggest things she can do to help prevent the problem in the future. |
Karen Asp is a noted health and fitness writer whose work appears in leading publications including Shape, Fitness, Cooking Light, McCalls and Woman's World.
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