|
You're
criticized every day. Don't believe me? When did you last ask
your family if they liked what you cooked for dinner? If your
boss approved of the report you prepared? Or if your friend thought
you looked good in those new jeans?
 As
soon as you request other people's opinions, you're asking to
be evaluated, which is essentially asking to be criticized. But
if you view criticism positively, whether you're dishing it out
or receiving it, you can use it to help you become a better person.
Why criticism isn't bad
Criticism comes from the Greek word kritikos which means
to judge or discern for the sake of improvement. So it's really
a positive thing. "Criticism is information that will help you
grow," says Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D., psychologist and author
of The Power of Positive Criticism (Amacom, 2000).
Unfortunately, most of us view criticism as an unnecessary evil.
It's like a knife being hurled at us, and we either duck or throw
it back. We become defensive when we're criticized, and we wind
up in word wars that only make us feel more hurt and angry.
But if we recognize that criticism is a tool that can help us
grow, we can analyze what's being said to us and respond with
our intellect rather than our emotions. By doing so, we'll have
a better idea of who we are. "Criticism helps us see ourselves
more realistically," says Shirley Garrett, Ed.D., a professional
speaker, writer, and facilitator in Georgia.
Ditching your emotions and accepting criticism
As tempting as it is to snap back when you hear criticism, don't.
Instead, follow these steps.
|
1.
|
Take
a deep breath. Give your body time to slow down so that
you can react intellectually rather than emotionally. Count
to 10 if you must.
|
|
 |
|
2.
|
Pay
attention to your thoughts. When your husband accuses you
of not exercising enough, are you mentally calling yourself
a fat, lazy slob? Rather than degrading yourself, support
yourself. Remember that when someone offers criticism, they're
really giving you an opportunity to learn and grow.
|
|
|
|
3.
|
Abide
by the "green hair" principle, Garrett says. If someone
told you that your hair were green, you'd laugh. View the
criticism similarly. Evaluate the truth to it. If there's
none, then laugh. But if the person is speaking some truth,
absorb it.
|
|
|
|
4.
|
Ask
for more information, says Edie Raether, a change strategist
and president of PerformancePLUS, a speaking, coaching and
consulting firm in North Carolina. After all, to learn from
the experience, you must understand what's being asked of
you. If, for example, a friend calls you insensitive, ask
for examples. Tell her you've always thought of yourself
as a sensitive person which is why you need to be shown
when you weren't sensitive.
|
|
|
|
5.
|
Evaluate
the spirit of the criticism. Is your criticizer just dumping
on you out of anger, what Raether calls the seagull syndrome?
If so, it may be wise to disregard the attack. But if the
criticism is caring, then embrace it.
|
|
|
|
6.
|
Take
the power out of the criticism. Garrett advises following
a principle of aikido, a Chinese martial arts. "Turn the
negative energy that's coming toward you around, and use
it so that it doesn't attack you but empowers you," she
says. For instance, if your husband really does berate you
for not exercising, thank him for reminding you. Then tell
him that you've been working on making exercise a bigger
part of your life.
|
Dishing out positive criticism
Like it or not, there are also plenty of occasions when you must
dole out criticism. Maybe you have to evaluate a colleague at
work or correct your children's behavior. Doing it tactfully and
putting a positive spin on what you say can make a difference
in how people respond to you.
Before you make your comments, Garrett says, ask yourself two
questions. What do you want to happen as a result of the criticism?
Is it your right or responsibility to criticize?
Then do these things:
|
1.
|
Get
permission to share your comments. Tell the person that
you have a different perspective on the situation and would
like to share your thoughts.
|
|
|
|
2.
|
If
you're worried they might take your comments the wrong way,
mention this concern.
|
|
|
|
3.
|
Make
three supportive statements before you criticize, Raether
says. Cushion your comments with three positive statements,
but don't sugarcoat the issue.
|
|
|
|
4.
|
Be
caring but honest.
|
|
|
|
5.
|
Criticize
the behavior or event but not the person. Don't call someone
an idiot because she forgot to do something. Instead, direct
your comments to the forgotten task.
|
|
|
|
6.
|
Emphasize
the we. Rather than pitting one against another, put the
we into the situation. Ask how the problem can be solved
by working together.
|
|
|
|
7.
|
Choose
your words wisely. Your assistant might be pig-headed, but
calling her stubborn is a much better word choice.
|
|
|
|
8.
|
Offer
improvement-oriented strategies. Criticism is about helping
a person change. Rather than telling someone what she did
wrong, tell her how to do it better, Weisinger says. Suggest
things she can do to help prevent the problem in the future.
|
Karen Asp is a noted health and fitness writer whose work
appears in leading publications including Shape, Fitness, Cooking
Light, McCalls and Woman's World.
Discuss
this article with others right now at
The Salon!
|
100%
Safe & Secure
